My husband is an eloquent man. I have always been in awe of the way he effortlessly puts people at ease with his choice of words and polite manner. But during my pregnancy something very strange has happened to him. It is as if my pregnancy hormones have affected his brain resulting in him saying highly inappropriate things at completely the wrong moments. Here are just a few examples to prove my point:
1. We have a gorgeous baby boy (lengthy pause), and he has MASSIVE testicles!
I have to admit these weren’t the first words I thought I would hear immediately on giving birth, but they will be forever etched on my mind. The medical staff were laughing that much I am surprised they didn’t drop Harry. I wasn’t sure whether I would have to cup him or cradle him when he was handed over for his first cuddle!
2. I wasn’t counting the time between your contractions, I thought you were. I was making my butties.
My husband is a man of simple needs. Keep him fed and that keeps him happy. His stomach dictates our entire daily routine. Breakfast, 2nd breakfast, 11’s, Lunch, Snack, Tea. Whilst I sat on the toilet – for no other reason than it was the comfiest place to be – and grimaced through each contraction, he was putting a hamper together downstairs in the kitchen out of earshot. I should have known.
3. I have been trying to get a good MPG out of the car on this tank. If I rush it will bring it right down again.
My husband is tight thrifty with money. I put it down to his Yorkshire roots. It is a trait we share. But even I thought he would put his foot down and try and make up for the fact that we had left it rather late to get going to the hospital – see previous bullet point. After a few choice words and much banging on the dashboard, we were travelling at a speed more appropriate to my needs.
4. Well he isn’t your real brother is he.
Whilst it was comical to leave him to dig himself out of the situation it was also heart breaking to watch the effect those words had on my step-daughter. Luckily for us my 19-year-old step-daughter was as thrilled as we were about the prospect of having a baby brother. The look of love in her eyes for him is priceless. From the start I swore that I was never going to call him her half-brother. I hate that term as for me it implies that they are half as important to each other. My husband is very sensitive to his daughter’s needs so I NEVER ever thought I would have to voice my feelings on this matter. The minute these words came out of his mouth the air in the room seemed to disappear. It was truly a “time stood still” moment.
5. I am just trying to man him up a bit
This pearler was made in front of the health visitor who had just completed a routine home visit to assess me for PND. It related to an incident 2 days prior when he switched on the vacuum and subsequently terrified our 3 day old son and yet he still refused to switch it off until the cleaning was done. Needless to say she took off her coat and sat right back down to continue this particular conversation with hubby while I put the kettle on and merrily got on with nesting. Note, my son is now 20 months old and I have only just been able to start vacuuming without him going in to melt-down.
As these howlers are so out of character it has made me question whether there is something that happens to men’s brains during pregnancy? Is my husband the only man to be affected or am I trying to find an excuse for his behaviour? I am sure there will be many more howlers to come. If I remember them you will hear it first right here folks.
Love
Harry’s Honest Mummy x
