Like most expectant parents I had read a lot of books before giving birth to my little cheeky monkey. There was sound advice on the day to day essentials of feeding, sleeping, clothing etc that I followed – in hindsight a little too religiously – but there was nothing on how to prepare for the unexpected. I am referring of course to the unpleasant “unspoken” things that become part and parcel of parenting. The things we are all forced in to doing and rarely talk about. So to throw caution to the wind – and because I feel like I know you – I will reveal the unpleasant things I have had to do as a mummy. Here is my Unspoken List:
1. Wipe poo off the floor
Who hasn’t let their child run around without a nappy on for a few minutes? Based on the fact that he had just had his 6 o’clock clear out I thought I would be OK to let him have a little airing to that region. Wrong! Every time I walk past that particular point on the dry clean only rug I swear I still see the marks!
2. Put my finger in the plughole to wash away sick
Having thrown up all over himself in the middle of the night I thought it was a great idea to wash the sick off his bedding using the shower head. Genius I thought as using the washing machine would have just baked it in. In my sleep stupor I hadn’t quite thought this course of action through. Some bits were just a little too big to make their way down the plughole unaided. Hence the “finger”.
3. Do anything to save my child from harm
Whilst on holiday my cheeky little monkey wandered off to retrieve a ball he had kicked in to the garden. Within seconds of his crying I had picked him up, stripped him down and was using his clothing to brush a swarm of nipping ants off his poor little chubby body. Repeating the process a few minutes later on myself. (The relatives were pretty relieved that I waited to go indoors to do my stripping).
4. Eat half chewed food
He likes to share, what can I say?
5. Eat food that has been spat out
…..because there is nowhere else to put it. I blame it on a lifetime of being brought up on the principle of waste not want not.
6. Lick food off my child
Beginners error. One of the main rules of parenting – always have a tissue or a wet wipe handy.
7. Wipe snot off with your own clothing
You’d think I would learn from the previous incident wouldn’t you?!?!
8. Scoop poo out of the bath
It’s bound to happen once….twice….OK three times so far.
9. Swirl diarrhoea down the plug hole of the bath with my finger
There is a theme running through this post…..all I can say is that we are due a new bathroom suite.
Despite digging deep in to the memory bank (which doesn’t take long) I can’t think of a number 10. Perhaps it just hasn’t happened yet? What delights are waiting for me around the corner? Perhaps there is nothing left and I have passed all the tests of motherhood? Answers on a post card please.
Harry’s Honest Mummy x